Monkey Business
by snake screamer
Summary: The gang flashback to a fateful zoo trip.


"Archer will you pay attention." Cyril muttered as they were in a meeting.

"Not now Cyril, i'm trying to remember what happen to Kazak." Archer muttered

"Who the hell Kazak?" Cyril snapped

"Remember that dog from Morocco?" Lana said blandly "You know back before our life spiral after Mallory decided to talk to the CIA about that deal."

"...You mean that messy dog that Mrs. Archer gave away?" Cyril said

"WHAT!" Archer shouted

"Thank for telling him Cyril, now he won't shut up about it." Mallory said

"WHY WOULD YOU GIVE HIM AWAY!" Archer shouted annoyed.

"Cause A) compare to my darling dog, that mutt was disgusting. Secondly your bad with anything with a pulse as seen with the pig."

"I AM NOT THAT BAD!" Archer snapped "I have taken care of AJ well enough and i have wanted posters for woodhouse."

"Yes you are and the monkey zoo thing should have been a clue about it." Mallory said

"Uggh, that was bad." Cyril said

"I still have nightmares about the flinging." Ray muttered

"I said sorry." Archer snapped

"No you didn't!" Lana snapped back

"Err guys," Everyone turn to see Pam and Krieger looking oddly at them "You know how we always say don't ask when we heard something weird about our group?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, this time i breaking that tradition, I been meaning to ask after what happen to that pig clone... what did happen at that zoo, none of you ever discuss that?" Pam said

"I admit to slight curiousity myself." Krieger stated

"Ohh! Let me tell it!" Cheryl said

"No." Everyone else said

"So back when i was dating Cyril, breaking his sanity in the process, in a attempt to make archer my jealous abusive boytoy-"

"Wait what?" Both Archer and Cyril asked

"Cyril had this idea to try and show Mrs. Archer a appreciate the boss day in a attempt to get her to unwind, but instead of taking her to a bar like a sane person would, he took her to the-"

 _(Flashback)_

"THE ZOO!?" Mallory snapped "YOU BROUGHT ME TO A ZOO!"

"Whats wrong with the zoo, you enjoy team-building exercises." Cyril said

"I go to cabin with build in wine bar half the time and other time i bring alcohol myself." Mallory snapped "So unless you bought some brandy-"

"Ugh, here mother." Archer said handing something over."

"What the- why did you bring a champagne bottle." Mallory snapped.

"It was the only thing in the fridge as woodhouse is at a class reunion in england." Archer said

"Wait, you let woodhouse go on vacation." Lana said shocked

"I had to, those butler union people are MEAN when they realize how much vacation time he accumulated... plus i told him to take the lemur with him which is a vacation for me." Archer admitted.

"Told him when he bought it that it was going to be a nightmare to take care of." Lana whisper to Ray who nodded.

"Uggh. it will have to do." Mallory said taking deep drink from the bottle.

"So Cyril... want to call it quits?" Archer questioned

"No. I know we can make this work and make your mother at least 1 percent more tolerable." Cyril angrily whispered

(linebreak)

"Uggh, reptile house more like humid hell. If i wanted to see a bunch of scaly things i would go crocodile boots shopping."

(Linebreak)

"Why the hell would i want to pet a sheep, what am I? a retarded idiot 5-year old."

(linebreak)

"I hate this tram ride, it only slightly better than a bus due to having air instead of a crammed sardine smell."

(Linebreak)

"Goddamn, that women can complain bout anything!" Cyril snapped

"Yeah she complain more then my uncle archibald, though considering he has no tongue that not exactly hard." Cheryl admitted

"I don't know she was intrigue by the tiger exhibit." Ray said

"She said she was thinking how to cause that tiger to have a 'accident' and turn it to a rug." Lana said

"Which is stupid, there are more fun ways to use a tiger, especially if it tranq." Cheryl stated.

Everyone gave her a weird look but didn't add anything

"Anyway... Archer you know your mother, is there any animal she likes... Archer?" Cyril said noticing ther egroup was short one. "Where did he go!?"

"He said something about trying to seduce a hot zoo employee." Ray said

"And you let him go and do that." Cyril snapped

"He promise to show me a place that sells John Crow Batty Rum, i have a party saturday and i promise hard liquor." Ray said, with a shrug.

(Linebreak)

"Look buddy, your hot and all, but i have a job to do." a female zookeeper said annoyed

"Oh come on, i'm not asking you to attend a reading session of war and peace, all i'm saying is we do a quick jaunt."

"I can't i have to much to do."

"Well... what if i take one of your duties." Archer suggested "Now before you say no, i have taken care of exotic animals before, like lemurs and... well just the lemur. though if i'm being honest..."

The female zookeeper sighed annoyed but then gets a evil idea "You know, i have to take care of some monkeys anyway. And if you successfully take care of them. Then maybe i'll do it."

"Really?" Archer said, surprised that work.

"Sure, i'm sure a tough spy like yourself can handle it." The female zookeeper said handing him both a feeding bucket and keys. "And if you do a REALLY good job, i'll do whatever your sick deprave heart wants."

Archer thought it over and said "You know what, sure! Leave it to me, Sterling Archer!" Archer said grabbing the things and running off."

"This may cost me my career, but it will probably end so hilariously that I probably won't care." the female zookeeper admitted

(Linebreak)

"I can't believe you let him walk around by himself!" Mallory snapped.

"Will you stop whining for five seconds and help us find him." Lana snapped back as they search the park.

"Oh... I'll find him and beat him senseless, how dare he wiggle out of the proud tradition of boss appreciation day."

"Tradition? I just made the damn thing. It barely 5 hour old." Cyril snapped

"That's it embrace your anger at her Cyril, she literally being a jerk and made the hot stuff that antagonize ya. Ergo you must take that anger out on someone." Cheryl sing

"Cyril, is cheryl flirting with you?" Lana said with eyes narrowed

"No!" Cyril yelped. "She just being her regular derange self."

"Hmm..." Lana frowned but didn't press it as she continue to look.

"She's going to be so piss when she finds out the truth." Ray told him

"Shut up."

"Hey there he is." Cheryl said pointing in Archer direction "And look, he entering one of the exhibit."

"WHAT!?" Everyone shouted as they rushed over.

"Archer what the hell are you doing!" Lana yelled as they enter the room.

"... err, feeding the monkeys." Archer said confused

"Why?" Ray said annoyed

"Imagine if that zookeeper was a hot dude and said he will let you go wild if you help feed one group of animals." Archer said

"... How hot we talking, like a 6 or-" Ray began to question

"Don't encourage him!" Mallory snapped "Why must you always think with your pants!"

"Well maybe its cause i learn from the best." Archer sarcastically stated

"Oh shut up, were getting out of here." Mallory snapped but notice the door was close. "who close the door."

"I did." Cheryl stated

"What, why?"

"Well you always get mad at me for leaving your door open when you try to hide from whiny manhands about environment damaging missions." Cheryl stated

"What?" Lana said annoyed as Mallory look ready to strangle Cheryl.

"Plus what with it having two locks one for outside and one for inside, this give us double privacy."

"What, why would the zoo make a lock on the inside." Cyril said shocked

"And how do you know that." Ray said suspiciously

"Oh they do the lock thing in case the animal try to escape, extra security or whatever. and the reason i know is i go here on my free time after dark." Cheryl cackled slightly

"I don't want to know do i." Ray sighed

"Probably not."

"CAN WE GET BACK ON TOPIC, WE ARE TRAPPED HERE!" Cyril snapped.

"Oh calm down i have the key card, how do you think i got in." Archer said annoyed as he pulled the card out. Just then a monkey jumped and took the card from him. "HEY!"

"I kinda expected murphy law to struck there," Ray said'

"Hang on, i'll try to get the card back." Archer said

"Wait, sterling... are you positive you can handle this." Mallory said suspiciously

"Look mother, just cause i have trouble with that lemur doesn't mean i will have trouble with these stupid monkeys." Archer saodd

(Flashback pause)

"Now i'm going to skip the boring stuff." Cheryl began to say but was interrupted

"Boring stuff!?" Archer shouted indignantly. "Your going to ignore the fact that i try be civil and tactful."

"Tactful, you just made monkey noises and a 'come hither' gesture." Mallory said

"That's how Jane goodall did it with chimpanzee!" Archer snapped

"Is that true?" Pam asked

"How would i know." Ray stated

"Anyway it was working fine but... err..." Archer fumbled abit

"But what?" Krieger asked

"the monkey got close and stole his gun." Lana snapped

"Wow, sucks to be you." Krieger whistled

"Shut up."

"So what happen, did it start shooting and did Mrs. Archer and Ray try to shoot the monkey but Lana wasn't having it due to being a environmentalist/not wanting to be arrested for killing zoo animals."

"err..." Suddenly three of the six where looking the other way looking embarrassed.

"Your half-right." Cyril said as Cheryl cackled and resumed the story.

(Flashback resumed)

"How the devil did those monkey steal all are guns." Mallory roared angrily

"Seriously, have they been train by that guy from oliver twist." Ray said annoyed.

"Where the hell Cyril." Lana snapped

"Oh relax, will you, i saw him and Carol hiding behind the rock on the other side of this catastrophe." Archer said annoyed.

"GAHAHAHA!" Cyril made a strange noise while Cheryl cackled derangely from behind the rock.

"And judging by the noise, being driven insane by Carol." Archer stated

"You have no idea." Ray said shaking his head.

"Great were going to die cause all you idiots lost all your guns to chimps!" Mallory snapped

"You lost yours too the chimps too you old hag!" Ray snapped

"a) there monkeys, chimps have no tails and b) were not going to die, the way there firing randomly there going to lose there ammo and as long as we don't wave our spare ammo around we'll be fine... well most of ours cause lana probably left her at home."

"What!" Lana shouted

"You did do that alot in training." Ray admitted

"Wait, do you hear that." Mallory stated "It sounds like they stopped shooting."

"Finally, now we can go back to negotiating." Archer stated as he stood up just as a brown substance hit his shirt "... Please tell me that mud."

"I would... but judging by the smell i be lying." Lana admitted

"I see... ARRRGGGHH!" Archer roared angrily as he rushed at the monkeys.

 _(Flashback end)_

"And that when they started fling brown goop at those four while me and Cyril had fun at the rock." Cheryl stated happily as Mallory, Ray, Lana and Archer glared at both her and Cyril as they remember they got off relatively scott free."

"Oh and when they got close then came the bi-" Cyril cover her mouth before she could condemn both of them even further and added "Luckily the zookeepers let us go and we were banned from that zoo ever since... as well as a few others. All cause Archer was given the responsibility of feeding monkeys. Satisfied."

"Yeah, It was pretty funny." Krieger said

"Fine then. Now that over with perhaps we can get back on topic to discuss-"

"Sorry Cyril, but it's quitting time." Archer said as he pointed at the clock.

"What- but." Cyril began to say as everyone began to leave.

"Party at the tiki bar!" Pam shouted as almost everyone cheered as they followed her lead.

"D-do you think they purposely stage that story so they can leave work?" Cyril asked Mallory

"I know they did, somehow when it comes to lazyness there somehow always on top of there game." Mallory sighed.

 _This story was inspired by a line from Red witch fanfic Piggly in a Blanket_

 _And as for John Crow Batty Rum. You may have heard jokes about how moonshine can make you go blind. Well the same can be said about Jamaica's own John Crow Batty Rum. Though it may just be a silly myth, it's still something to consider before taking a sip of this rare 160 proof liquor._


End file.
